Hello! This is my first blog post. I just moved into my first apartment, and I just started this website a few days ago. I start my third year of college in a few days, and I'm a little nervous but also excited.

I've been thinking about starting a blog for a long time, but I've never gotten it going before, so I thought I might as well give it a shot. If anything, I can look back on it in a few years with fondness. Also, some of my friends are abroad this year (so fun but also so sad!!) so I thought this might be a good way to keep them updated on what I'm doing if they want to check it out :)

So far what I am discovering about living in an apartment (day 1) is that it's super nice to make a cup of tea in my own house. That is very beautiful to me!!! I think later I am going to breakfast with my family and then I will discover where I'm supposed to do my laundry *sigh*.

Alright, that's all for now! Take care out there xx

Having a beautifully peaceful weekend :D I watched the first two (only good) Captain America movies with roommate yesterday and we made a cake that is so good. Today I went very early to the gym and had a pretty unstressful experience, it was very fun. I missed working out so much! I feel ethically a little bad about using a gym (? I don't totally have a reason for this but it feels evil in my mind) but I LOVE working out so I compromise I suppose. I used a new machine for the first time in a long time! I overestimated how much weight I could use and was humbled pretty fast but I'm excited to get better at it. Going back to the gym the first time in a long time always feels incredibly rejuvinating in a way the 10th time does not. But I hope to keep it up! Now that I'm on T, I really want to get buff lmao I truly have no other reasons for going anymore which I feel is kind of beautiful.

Then I went to visit a very good friend and we got boba and I got cups and a new bowl and a wraught iron pan (!!!!) (of questionable origin and quality) at Salvation Army. Later I think I will go to the beach with roommate. Lots of outs today! Very good for me I think, since I suspect this week will be pretty busy, at least Monday and Tuesday for sure I will have almost no free time.

I have an interview tomorrow that I am nervous for. I hope it goes well, at least I have a class after it to take my mind off things. I really want the job, and it's on campus so it would be really easy to commute to.

In other news, I am working on building a cosplay for Halloween! This iteration will not be so involved I think but hopefully it will improve as time goes on. I don't have time to make it super awesome and detailed, but hopefully the discount version will be fun anyway!

I am also hoping to work on my shirt for the Renaissance fair sometime this week, I realized I have not so long to finish it! [insert fearful emoji here] I have one whole sleeve to finish and then I have to sew up the side---but hopefully since I already did one sleeve I won't have to troubleshoot as much and it will go..better? Stay tuned for updates on that, I'm very happy with it so far!

That's all for now! I updated some more of my early KUSF playlists, I think the first 10 are up so far. They're such a blast from the past---I organize music so differently now, and have such a wider range of tastes than I used to it's so strange to look back on knowing so much less! My show should start up again soon so I'll be sure to post about it here when it does :)

Cheers James

Good morning! It's Saturday, and I'm having a so-far nice day.

Yesterday was quite difficult actually, I'm not sure why. I think it was a combination of too many things going on this week and getting up too early for too many days in a row. I put out the schedule for my radio station this week, which was fun actually but pretty stressful to keep the peace between everyone involved and make sure they're happy. Everyone was quite nice, but still. A lot to manage 35 people's expectations! Plus I went to the doctor to ask about getting on anxiety medication. So. That was new and big and probably once I didn't have to go to class I just was like wow. It's bover.

But today I woke up and made breakfast and went to the store, and now I'm having cold tea with the windows open. My roommate's getting me Kewpie mayo so I'm going to have a tuna sandwich later with the plums I bought this morning. And everything in the whole damn world will work itself out.

Also yesterday best friend sent me the new Noah Kahan Live At Fenway Park album and I finally bought myself the extended album CD and re-bought the tour Tshirt I lost last year! So that was good. $12 shipping...Ugh. Anyway. Listening to the live album brought up so many emotions---it's really similar to watching footage from concerts of my favorite bands. You'd think I'd love it because of how much I love going to live shows..but it's one of the only things I get super for real jealous about! I don't consider myself a jealous person, where it counts, but something about listening to a crowd scream and cry and laugh for a show I don't get to be at...I can't do it. But I listened to the whole thing, and god, was it good.

But really, deeply, the very accurate words of my best friend: "fuck you im not in boston"

So it's been a mixed bag of a long weekend so far. Fortunately, it's just beginning! I did all my bummer homework last night at like 11:30 when I couldn't fall asleep, so I'm just looking at writing homework, which is sort of stumping me right now, to be honest. But I have laundry to break it up, and I think I'll have a snack to go with my tea. I just bought leeks to go in pasta this week (YAY) so that's looking good. Maybe I'll go out to the beach later.

Oh, also last night, I updated some more of my playlist archives! I just started my show again, (It's on THURSDAYS THIS SEMESTER...INSANE) so I'll be updating current weeks as I go, hopefully, and the older ones when I can. I think I'm up to fourteen now? Fifteen? Something like that. Still working on getting my audio files transferred from my old computer.

Tomorrow I'm calling my summer coworker so she can tell me the lore that went down after I left. Monday evening I'm hanging out with M, which is very exciting too! Not sure what we'll do yet, but I'm sure it will be full of fruitful and beautiful discussions.

I've been slowly working my way through the Raven King audiobook! I am maybe a third of the way through. Very excited to finish it so I can finally (FINALLY) read the Dreamer trilogy. I have medium-high expectations. Other fun news is that I finally sat down and worked on more of my Sebastian Stan drawing, which made me feel very happy yesterday! I feel like I haven't gotten to do art in like three weeks. It made me feel so much better like instantly. I've been trying to draw after classes just to destress and come down from the day, but it doesn't feel like I'm making anything, if that makes sense. Nothing in service of something more like this bigger piece I've been sitting on for months. My other big hope for today is to work on my renaissance fair shirt! The date approaches and I need to finish it before we go! I think I'm stuck cause I'm worried I'll pick it up and won't remember what to do with it, so I should just rewatch the sleeve part of the instruction video beforehand so I remember when I pick it up. What small issues that feel so enormous.

Well, that's all from me for now, I think. I'm going to go eat something and have a little lie down before starting my laundry I think. Hope your weekend is okay too. Take a break, you probably need it.

Take care,

James

Hello! I had a very busy day yesterday, went on a very peaceful and beautiful walk in the park with my roommate ! I am feeling very grateful for all my friends. It feels good to be known. Healing & freeing in a way I didn't realize before! I went out for mini dumplings with M and M's relatives last night, and I was nervous but it was really fun! It was really cool to meet people who know them, who have, to paraphrase Maggie Stiefvater, 'the well-worn emotional ruts of family.'

I also finished my shirt last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm very happy, I was so worried for a bit that I wouldn't finish it at all! But now I have something to wear that I'm proud of. I have no idea how long it took me, but I started it I think the first week of July and worked on it off and on until now. And I know yesterday I spent at least 3 hours sewing. Maybe I'll make a page just to show off my projects! That would be fun, then I can write about it in detail and post pictures. Some highlights:

• This is the first piece of clothing I've made!
• It's entirely hand sewn
• It's made out of a cotton bedsheet I got for $5
• What I learned for this project: Gathering, felling, backstitching really fucking small, hemming really thin hems
• i did not iron any of it. sorry

It got a lot easier as the project went on and I got more practiced at the new stuff I learned. Gathering is super fun and I'm excited to use it in other projects! I think the toughest thing was the planning and getting started, once I was sewing it was so fun I hardly felt time slipping by. My hems, seams, and stitch sizing definitly improved over the course of this project. I'm really happy with how small I was able to get the hems on the second arm gusset.

If I were to make this project again, I think the things I would change would be:

• lessen the drop of the shoulder
• shorten the width of the shirt
• make the cuffs a little longer so they overlap better
• make the collar wider & more cunty
• smaller gathers!

It's not entirely done, but it is functional and wearable, which is what I need for the Ren Faire I made it for! Some things I still have to do include:

• buttons on 1 sleeve
• buttonholes on both sleeves, also thinking about doing a hook and eye closure since the cuffs have so little overlap?
• fell down most of the seams on the second sleeve
• fell down the second side seam
• add shoulder reinforcement strips that will hide the shoulder gathering on the inside

Overall I'm super happy with it, it's going to be a great conversation piece and it fits me super well!

I'm going to go eat breakfast and maybe work on some of my fiction piece for class.

One piece of reflection before I go. Often I worry that I'm not making the most of college, that in a few years I'll regret not going out more or appreciating my classes or the time I've spent here. I probably will. I only have to say to say that I am right now doing the very difficult work of becoming, with no point of reference. I imagine that in the future I will have this time to look back on to say, look, I did it that way, and now I am going to do it a different way, but right now I'm sort of just making it up. Maybe that's a good place to be. I don't know. It seems hard to me but it is also very freeing (?) I suppose I could be anything if I'm starting from a blank slate. Interesting.

Well, that's all from me for now. I'm gonnna go have leeks for breakfast. This website should be called leek enthiusiast. Leek world.

LEEK OUT

James

HELLO WORLD !!!!!!!!!

This weekend is beautiful already :) Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment that honestly went very well? It was lowkey short but I found the office and I'd never been to it before (they just let me walk in???? and their check-in office was closed when i got there?? highly mysterious) so I was proud of myself for that. Doctor was very nice. Sort of wondering if when they scheduled me an appointment with him they were like ah you're gay we're sending you to the gay doctor. After I went with roommate (Sylvan) to the store since we were utterly and completely out of food. This morning I made zucchini fritters/leek/spinach that were SO FUCKING GOOD HOLY SHIT !!!!!!!! since our stove got fixed yesterday (thank you facilities). Apparently there was nothing wrong with it ?? He just replaced a burner and was like yall are good and we were like it was so scary before :crying:

Today I think we are going to the sort of nicer store to get good fruit and cheese since normal store was dumb and had nothing. (They were even out of green onions????) So that will be fun. Maybe I will buy a CD also.

Me and Sylvan finished watching Kings (2009) last night!!!!! SPOILERS AHEAD It has such a shit ending---I know they wanted a second season but god it's devastating they didn't get it. I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY JUST LEFT JACK IN A ROOM UNTIL HE PRODUCES AN HEIR AS A PUNISHMENT FOR TRYING TO DO A COUP WHEN WE ALL DECIDED HIS DAD FUCKING SUCKS ANYWAY OH MY GOD?????????? YOU'RE INSANE.

I don't know who cares about spoilers for a tv show that came out 15 years ago and is like unfindable on the internet but. whatever you should watch it anyway shhhh don't worry about the ending the show is sooooo good you should watch it

I think that's all from me for now! I'm going to go get ready to go out and pick up my new dose of testosterone :)

JAMES OUT

Today Sylvan and I are leaving for our annual pilgrimage to faggot forest (we are thrilled). I have many hopes and dreams and I am bringing a bigger book than I truly believe is practical or relavent but I want to read it so it's going. I'm doing laundry right now and sewing on a patch to the jeans I'm bringing (very exciting, it's only the second patch on this pair) and reading comments from my professors on the piece I just turned in. They like my work a lot, which I'm truthfully brilliantly pleased about. Had a bunch of work at the radio station this week, which is definitely rewarding but I was definitely so tired. I hope everyone else thought it went well. Next week I'll be DJing live, which I'm excited about and also nervous! Hopefully I'll get some song inspiration this weekend.

Speaking of, I'm nervous? Less than I was, but still afraid, I guess. I guess it's a combination of reasons. I want to give myself a haircut.

✧ ˚ 　· 　　 .➶-͙˚ ༘✶✧ ˚ 　· 　　✩

I gave myself a haircut

James out

Hello world out there---

I've been feeling under the weather recently. The cold that kicked my ass a few weeks ago is thankfully, finally, on it's way out, but I've been finding myself in a muddled spot recently, emotionally. It's hard to say exactly what's wrong, I guess. I'm really busy and I've been thinking about a lot of things and feeling a lot of things (wow) and so it's hard to put my finger on the exact brand of melencholy that's been following me around lately. I think it's something to do with wanting to meet new people and forgetting how difficult that really is.

Last week, I went to see Dan and Phil on tour! It was so nostalgic and yet so beautiful and fun, I had such a great time. It's so funny, everyone was a fourteen year old girl at the last show and now everyone is in their twenties and on HRT.

Since I've been in the midst of watching Sebastian Stan's..discography...portfolio??? I don't know. His weird gay movies, I'll make a page about that sometime, whatever--- here are some recent good conversations on podcasts he's been on recently. He's been talking a lot about being intentional with his performances and roles recently, finding people and projects that really speak to him and have complex characters and morals and I really respect that.

Sad, Happy, Confused with Josh Horowitz. This one is more PR conversation, but it's always nice in an interview when they know each other a bit and have a raport already.

The A24 Podcast with Colman Domingo. Their conversation about art and artistic practice in this one is just wonderful to witness.

Me and Sylvan have been having wonderful beautiful conversations about film and art and genre and fanfiction recently and are considering recording and editing one down to put up on my website since we'be been having such a good time. So stay tuned for James & Sylvan podcast pilot I guess!!!

Hope you're well out there.

James

Not sure how much there is to say, today. I've been reading a book I got in Seattle called "Hand in Hand with Love, An anthology of queer classic poetry" edited by Simon Avery. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Especially today. We've always existed and we always will. My desires are echoed back on the people from the past one million billion times over.

I had a pretty bad dream last night. I wonder how many people's diaries and blog posts will start today like that. I dreamed I was fishing a body out of a lake to impress someone except I couldn't actually do it so they threw pieces of him at me instead. I dreamed I was going to die. I woke before my alarm and forgot about all the hurt in the world and just held my own hand for a minute and thought how nice it would be to wake up like this every day. And then I stood up and I remembered, like all the hurt in the world is stored in my blood and it all was collected on my right side when I was laying down and finally remembered it needed to be in my brain when I stood up. Christ.

I suppose we'll see. I suppose we'll see. Hope you're okay. I sort of forgot to think about it until last night. Everyone's been stressed and I guess I was just saving my stress for today. Great.

Whatever happens I love you and we will keep fighting for liberation and gay transsexual sex forever. Take care

James

MCR DROPPED BLACK PARADE TOUR IM GOING TO LAUNCH MYSELF INTO THE SUNNNNNNNNN WHAT DO YOU MEAN TOUR OF MY FAVORITE ALBUM EVER IN THE WORRRRLLDDDDDDDD

I am actually going a bit mad. New lore the secretary from the last tour fits in here, what do you MEAN the dog cane was part of itttt GERARD WHEN I CATCH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I literally don't care how many shifts I have to work to get a summer apartment up here or have money again after I buy my ticket I'm fucking going to SF MCR!!!!! AND I'LL BE 21. LIKE GIRL. WHAT OFC I HAVE TO GO

I have a reading tonight, which I'm nervous about, to tell the truth. For a couple reasons, but hey, what can you do. I'm going to read a new poem that I just printed out. It's called GOOD LEATHER and it's not done but it's okay for now. I think the ending isn't very strong yet (it says Hallelujah! which I just think is a little tacky and on the nose. but i digress.) but overall I think it gets the point across, and has some nice language in there. So hopefully that goes alright. I think it's strange that that's the only like real interactions grad students and undergrads have in the department?? I know it's a whole different program but it's very weird to get up in front of people doing a degree way ahead of yours and talk your stuff. Who knows. Maybe that's normal to do and I'm just scared

I got a new job! Still at old job at radio station (I updated more of my playlists! I'm through with the first 26 broadcasts and the third year is updated up to current.) but now am working in my major department! It's extra hours and I'm getting to use my design skills and chat with professors when they come in which is really fun. I was very nervous to start it but it's going well so far! I am enjoying my time here. I keep thinking how close I am to graduation and getting sad. I know there's so much more to do out there in the world but there is so much to do here too! And so many people thinking and doing so much interesting stuff. Everyone says it's a very special time and I think I am finally understanding what they mean. I helped Sylvan (a very small amount lol) with xir short film for class the other day and it was really cool! Not just people making art but thinking meaningfully about it and its impact on society. I think it would be fun to write a short film for Sylvan to direct. Gotta think of ideas I guess.

Missing my friends who are studying abroad. I just want to have them over for dinner and give them hugs and baked goods and watch movies on my couch.

I'm still steadily plugging away at learning a little Russian. Одна ночь is "one night." I just started learning numbers! I was also thinking the other day like damn, I wish I knew more Russian, I'm learning so slowly! But like...there's no test. There's no how good I have to be. I'm just learning. For fun. And no one is gonna tell me how much I need to do or how fast I need to learn it. So it's fine. I'm just gonna keep learning it how fast I want to and have time to. I certainly know more than when I started, which is pretty great.

Some poems I've been liking recently are:

• Cover Story, Richard Siken
• French Novel, Richie Hoffman
• I Sing The Body Electric, Walt Whitman (I just bought Leaves of Grass!)
• Archaic Torso of Apollo, Rilke (I like this translation the best. Although many others capture the original in a perhaps more accurate light, this one has that urgency and commonality that accurracy in translation often loses, especially in Rilke's work.)

That's all from me for now. I hope you are holding up. I'm holding hands with you across the web.

Cheers

James